Speech
by Pit-Trap
Summary: Spy should have seen it coming. He should have realized it the moment the rest of the BLU team found out he and Scout were together.


Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, TF2, etc.

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Spy should have seen it coming. He should have realized it the moment the rest of the BLU team found out he and Scout were together. But he didn't. It was Spy's mistake in not realizing what the rest of the team would do when they found out. It all started at the shooting range. The BLUs had a small one right outside the back of their Teufort base. It offered only a few targets to shoot at, but could relieve one's boredom for half-an-hour or so. Which is what Spy was currently doing: shooting at some bullet ridden target. Pyro was out there as well, using his shotgun. The two had yet to speak a single word to each other.

As Spy was reloading his Ambassador, however, Pyro suddenly spoke up. "Hnf, Spph," he asked. "Canf Myie tlfph mph ynnf?"

Spy turned his head slightly to look at Pyro. "Zat depends. What do you wish to speak to me about?"

"Scnpht."

That caught Spy's attention. "Scout?"

Pyro paused, reloading his shotgun. "Ynff," he said as he took aim at a target and fired once. "Myie knphf ynf mph narr togephrrf nph ndf Myie'mf finph wiff thnph. Scnpht'sf hnnphiy."

"Zat is," Spy paused, searching for the right words. "Nice, I suppose. But we weren't exactly looking for anyone's approval. We never intended for zhe team to find out anyway."

Pyro huffed, "Yrr luckff nnnoph giph uh shipht abnph yrr relaphionsph."

"Like I said, zat is good."

"Buph," Pyro suddenly said. He fired his shotgun once more before saying, "Thrr mph snnmphing Myie dnf giph uh shipht abnph." He fired again, getting a bull's-eye.

Spy raised an eyebrow, slightly curious. "What might zat be?"

"_Ynff_," Pyro snarled. "Myie dnph truspht ynff, Spph. Wnf muh bff non mph snph tmn, buph mph donpfn'f mnnf Myie truspht ynff cnffletly."

Spy knew that. He and Pyro had never been particularly close. Sure, they helped each other out in battle all the time, but that was really the extent of their relationship. They were teammates, nothing more. They talked only when necessary. Their only real connection was being on the BLU team and Scout. Pyro knew next to nothing about Spy and Spy knew very little about Pyro (he could find out relatively easily if he wanted, though). "I understand zat," Spy said with a nod. "Little to none are supposed to trust Spies."

"Buph Scnpht _dnphf_," Pyro pointed out. "Scnpht truspht ynff. Nnd iff hph wanphs tff, thanpht's fynn. Myie cnnf't stoph hmm frn trusphtng ynff." He paused to slowly reload his shotgun. "Buph Myie cnnf stoph ynff frn hurnphng hmm."

"What do you-" Spy cut himself off when Pyro suddenly whipped around and took a step closer to Spy. He pointed the shotgun right at Spy's chest.

"Listtn uph, _Spph_," Pyro hissed from beneath his mask. "Ynff hurnf Scnpht-" he took a step closer. "-ynff mck hmm cry-" he jabbed Spy in the chest with the end of the shotgun. "-ynff takf hmm frr granphd-" he cocked the shotgun. "- oph dff _anyphing_ tff hmm Myie dnff't likf," Pyro jabbed Spy in the chest with the shotgun again and held it there. "Nnd Myie wilph choph ynff upf likf firfwud, lighfft evrry peicf of ynff on firf _individuaphy,_ nnd thenf roaspht fucphkng marphmllows ofer yrr scorchphd piecphfs. Gnt ift?"

Spy blinked a few times before saying, "You think I will 'urt 'im."

"Yeph."

"Zat I am taking 'im for granted."

"Yesf."

Spy slowly and delicately reached a hand up to move the shotgun away from his chest. "Well," he said with a frown. "I can assure you zat I don't plan on doing any of those things to Scout. We are in a relationship for a reason."

Pyro made an odd, indistinguishable hissing sound beneath his mask. "Myie stilph donf't truspht ynff," he repeated. "Sf rembrf-"

"'urt Scout and you will 'urt me in with your ever fitting love of fire," Spy interrupted.

Pyro glared at Spy for a moment longer before nodding. "Glld wff hnd thiph tlkf, Spph." With that, Pyro turned around and walked back towards the base, all the while twirling his shotgun.

Spy watched his fellow BLU leave, still frowning. The ever common "hurt them and I'll kill you" speech. Spy has had quite a few of those before. None quite as… descriptive as Pyro's, though. Spy sighed as he reloaded his Ambassador. He hadn't been expecting that. He _should_ have, seeing as how close Pyro and Scout were. Spy rubbed his temples and groaned before going back to shooting at targets. Though he suddenly found his aim was off. He pocketed his gun, deciding to head back to the base.

Between the base and the shooting range was where one could find Sniper's camper van parked. One would usually find Sniper there. He currently sat on an old lawn chair next to his van, cleaning one of his many knives. He glanced up as Spy walked past his van. "Ya look like ya've seen a ghost, mate," Sniper said with a grin.

"Worse," Spy spat. "I saw Pyro."

"Aw, come off it, mate," Sniper rolled his eyes. "Just 'cause you two hardly talk doesn't mean ya hafta be mean to the bloke."

"I won't be _mean_ to 'im if 'e doesn't threaten me," Spy scoffed.

"Pyro threatened you?" Sniper raised an eyebrow before jumping up. "Ah, that reminds me." He dropped the rag he was cleaning his knife with and walked over to Spy. He slung his arm around Spy's shoulders.

Spy tried to slip out of the grip, but Sniper held tight. "What zhe 'ell are you-"

"Now look, Spoi," Sniper ignored him and went on. "I know we don't get along too well, but I kinda get along with Scout. Poppy's alright once he stops yappin'." As he talked, he made a point to wave the knife a little too close to Spy. "'n I know you two are shaggin' 'n' all-"

"We are wh-"

"'n that's fine with me, too! S'not like I can hear ya outside in me van in the dead of night."

"Bushman, zat is-"

"Now hold up, mate, lemme get to the point," Sniper said as he stopped waving his knife. But once he stopped, he moved it dangerously close to Spy's face and held it there. "The bloody point is Scout. I like the little bugger. You hurt him in any way, and I'll gut ya like one of the hundred crocs I've gutted 'n' turn ya into a bloody _purse_."

Spy frowned. "Zat is by far zhe-"

Sniper squeezed Spy's shoulders tighter. "Ya got all that, _mate_?"

"Ugh," Spy gagged. "Yes, of course, bushman. Now let go of me. You _smell_."

Sniper scowled at the other, but released him. "I'm serious, Spoi. Ya hurt the little gremlin and you'll regret it."

"I'm being serious as well, bushman."

"Wot?"

"You really do smell _awful_."

Sniper's scowl deepened.

Spy grinned. It didn't fade as he dodged a swing from Sniper's knife. Spy merely chuckled and danced away. "Good day, bushman."

"Bloody pansy!"

Spy held a hand up in a wave as he headed back into the base. The back entrance of the base led directly to Engineer's workshop. So it came as no surprise to find Engineer in there. He stood next to a table, surrounded by tools, with the toaster sitting on the table in front of him. He gave no indication he heard Spy enter. He was too focused on fixing the toaster. Engineer set a screwdriver down and reached for a wrench, but didn't take his eyes off the toaster.

Spy rolled his eyes as he watched Engineer repeatedly reach for the wrench, but never grab it because he didn't take his eyes of the toaster. Spy walked over to the table, put his hand on the wrench, and slid it closer to Engineer.

Engineer finally grabbed it.

Spy snorted. "What's zhe story behind zhe toaster, toymaker?"

Engineer jumped, dropping the wrench. "Holy Hell!" he exclaimed, staring at Spy. "Don't do that, Spah! I get snuck up on by the RED Spah enough already!" he snapped as he reached down to pick his wrench up off the ground.

Spy rolled his eyes again. "Zhe toaster?" he prompted.

"Soldier," Engineer sighed. "Need I say anymore?"

"Again?" Spy sighed dramatically. "Zhe people I work with."

"Hey, Solly's alright."

Spy raised an eyebrow.

"…Most of the time," Engineer finished lamely.

"And next I suppose you'll tell me zat working with a smelly, Australian bushman who throws piss is _nice_."

Now Engineer sighed dramatically and stared at Spy.

"Or zat working with a pyromaniac is _fun_."

"Spah, don't be an ass."

Spy just shrugged.

Engineer snorted and crossed his arms. "I know there's _someone_ on the team ya like workin' with…" he said knowingly with a sly smile.

Spy's smile turned into a frown.

"Aw, hit a sore spot, did I?"

"No one was supposed to find out," Spy said simply, but narrowed his eyes in frustration.

"Aw, shoot, Spah. None of us give a hoot what you two do together," Engineer said. "I know I don't. But," he suddenly held up a finger with his free hand. "I do care about what _you_ do individually."

A small feeling a dread caused Spy's frown to deepen. "What do you mean?" he asked warily.

"Look, Spah," Engineer sighed. "I'll be real straight with ya: you hurt Scout, take him for granted, or stab him the back – don't give me that look, you know what I mean – and I will Spy Check you _so hard_ the RED Engineer won't have to worry about you for _weeks_."

Seeing as Engineer had just given him the same warning as Sniper and Pyro, Spy was beginning to worry. Only slightly, though. Those three were the closest to Scout on the team. It was unlikely that the other BLUs would give this "hurt him and I'll kill you" speech. Not that he was too worried, like said. This was his team as much as it was Scout's. And it's not like Spy could ever take one of Sniper's threats seriously…

"Got all _that_, Spah?"

Engineer on the other hand… "Of course, toymaker," Spy answered, still frowning. "I must ask you something, though."

"Yeah?"

"Why are you telling me zis?"

"What d'ya mean?"

"Why are you threatening me?"

"Hell, Spah, ain't it obvious?" Engineer asked. "I don't want ya hurtin' Scout. The little fellah's alright." He paused, grinned, and then added, "Most of the time."

"Hmm," Spy looked absentminded. "Yes, indeed."

"Now, Spah, if ya don't understand why I'm telling you all this…" Engineer's face darkened. "Then what in Sam Hell are you doin' in a relationship with Scout? If you don't understand that I'm sayin' all that because I _care_ about Scout, how can you say _you_ care about Scout?"

"You misunderstand zhe context on my question," Spy explained. "I know few will believe me when I say I truly do care about Scout, but I did not realize _you all_ cared zis much about Scout."

"'course we do," Engineer snorted and his face brightened. "He's… well he's Scout! Part of the team. Sure, real annoyin', but ya get used to him real fast."

"…Indeed."

Engineer suddenly looked sheepish. "I also kinda did that for practice."

"Practice?" Spy had enough grace to look confused.

"I… I have a daughter," Engineer told him, but Spy didn't quite feel the desire to mention that he already _knew _that. "She'll grow up fast, I jus' know it. And if she's anything like her mama, then she'll be real pretty and the boys'll be all over her. Gonna have to give 'em all that little speech. Jus' thought tryin' it on you would be good practice 'n' all."

"I see," Spy said slowly. "Well as much fun as eet is getting threatened by you, Engineer, I think I'll be taking my leave. A glass of wine will do me _wonders_ right about now."

"See ya 'round, Spah," Engineer called as Spy left his workshop.

It seems Spy's need for alcohol was shared by another that day. And strangely enough, it wasn't Demoman. Heavy was in the kitchen as well, drinking a bottle of booze and making one of his famous Sandviches. Spy paid him no mind as entered the kitchen, intent on getting only what he came for. Heavy certainly paid him mind, however. As Spy got his wine out of the fridge and started pouring it into a glass, he couldn't help but notice Heavy out of the corner of his eye.

Now Heavy was not a very subtle man. He was very straightforward and blunt. It was clear that he wanted to speak to Spy. Straightforward and bluntly did not seem to be the way he wanted to talk today, however. From the corner of his eye, Spy watched Heavy open and close his mouth several times, trying to start a conversation. Only when Spy turned around to face Heavy, did the man say, "Spy! How is Scouuuh- shooting today?" Not very subtle, see.

Spy took a sip of wine before asking, "What is eet you want, 'eavy?"

"Uh, to know how your shooting went…?"

"_Of course_ you do," Spy replied sarcastically. "If you 'ave something to say to me, I suggest you do eet now." Spy had a strong feeling he already knew what it was, anyways.

Heavy seemed to brighten up at these words. "Really? Good!" He took a step closer to Spy and placed a hand on the balaclava-clad man's shoulder. "I like leetle Scout. If Spy hurts leetle Scout, then I will crush Spy with bare hands."

Spy took another sip of wine. "Your eloquence never ceases to _astound_ me, 'eavy," he replied with a pinch of sarcasm.

Heavy frowned. His limited knowledge of English was not helping him dissect that sentence. He chose to ignore it and squeeze Spy's shoulder. Hard. "Spy understands, yes?"

Spy frowned in pain and didn't allow his eye to twitch. "Yes, 'eavy," he sighed.

Heavy's face brightened once more. "Good!" He moved his hand to (roughly) pat Spy on the back and then went back to his Sandvich making.

Spy sighed and rubbed his temples. His head hurt. Taking his wine with him, he left the kitchen and made his way to the infirmary. Spy didn't bother knocking once he arrived and simply opened the infirmary door and walked right in.

Medic, who was seated at his nearby desk, didn't even look up. "Vhat do you want?" he simply asked.

"Something for my 'ead," Spy replied, looking at his wine.

Medic finally looked up. "Spy?" Spy rarely came into the infirmary.

"But of course."

Medic frowned. "Something for your head, you said?" He opened the drawer from his desk, fished out a bottle of pills, and then tossed them to Spy. "Take two of those."

Spy caught it, opened the bottle, and dumped two pills into his hand. He tossed them into his mouth, closed the bottle, and walked over to set them on Medic's desk. Spy then downed the pills with a drink of wine. "Much appreciated, doctor," he said, heading for the exit.

"You really shouldn't take pills vith alcohol, Spy," Medic noted as he put the pills back.

Spy shrugged.

"Oh, another thing you shouldn't do!"

Spy paused, one hand on the doorknob.

"You _really_ shouldn't hurt Scout during zhe course of your relationship vith him. I von't hesitate to cut you open, pull out your intestines, and use zem as decorations if you do."

Maybe it was the way Medic said it so casually that bothered Spy. That, and he really hadn't expected a threat from Medic _at all_. Scout annoyed Medic all the time. Why had he- Ngk. Spy needed a break. "Understood," he sighed to Medic and walked out of the infirmary. And he knew just where he was headed.

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"Soldier said _that_?" Scout laughed, nearly falling off his bed in the process. The sports magazine he had been reading had fallen to the floor, forgotten in favor of talking to Spy.

Spy currently sat at the (very much unused) desk in Scout's room. His now empty wine glass sat atop it. Spy was shuffling cards furiously, an odd habit he took up whenever he needed to think. "'e did," Spy confirmed for Scout. "But Demoman's threat rattled me a bit more so than zhe others."

"Why's that?"

"'e threatened to force feed me explosives and zen detonate zem."

Scout burst into laughter once more.

"Well I'm glad one of us finds these threats against my life so _amusing_," Spy said with a frown.

"Ah, loosen up, Spy." Scout grinned at him and Spy found himself smiling back. "They didn't mean it. 'n' if they did, I'm sure I'll get the whole "hurt him and I'll kill you" speech, too. They're your team as much as they're mine."

"Zat's what I figured-"

Scout interrupted. "I'm kinda surprised they did that, though."

"What?"

"Threaten you," Scout replied, grin faltering. "I mean, if they all threatened you 'cause they think you're gonna hurt me or somethin'… Does that mean they're worried 'bout me?"

"Zat is zhe assumption, yes," Spy answered, recalling his conversation with Engineer.

"I guess I wasn't expectin' that," Scout said with a shrug. "I always thought I annoyed everyone."

"Zat's true, you do," Spy said, which caused Scout to glare at him. Spy merely grinned back and handed Scout some cards. "But," he added. "You are likeable as well."

"_Likeable_?" Scout looked up from the cards he had been handed to continue his glare. "I'm just _likeable,_ Spy?" He leaned a little ways off his bed, now looking at Spy with a very nicely done pout. "There's nothin' _else_ you wanna say about me?"

"_Well_…" Spy leaned forward as well, nearly closing the distance between them. "You are very good at-"

Scout's door suddenly flew open, causing Scout and Spy to immediately pull away from each other. They looked towards the door to see Medic standing there. "Ah," Medic said, looking at Spy. "I figured I vould find you in here, Spy."

Spy frowned.

"Zhe Administrator vants to haf a video conference vith you."

A video conference? Now? "What about?" Spy questioned.

Medic tried to look nonchalant. "Oh, somezing about you and… um…" He gave an awkward cough before saying, "Scout."

There was a very pregnant pause. Then a fit of laughter came from Scout and the cards he was holding soon joined the sports magazine on the ground.

Spy's eye twitched and he slapped a hand to his face.

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A/N: The only words of Pyro I'll decipher are these: "…You hurt Scout, you make him cry, you take him for granted, or do anything to him I don't like, and I will chop you up like firewood, light every piece of you on fire individually, and then roast fucking marshmallows over your scorched pieces."

Yes. Every sentence I write for Pyro can be translated into an actual sentence. It's not just "mmmph hudda" gibberish, it's actual words. I'm fluent in Pyromainian, after all.

But yeah. I wrote this some time back and I'm not real happy with the result, but I decided to post it anyways. Enjoy.


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